Just for Laughs A merry heart maketh a
cheerful countenance... (Proverbs 15:13)
A 75 year
old woman had a vision one night, she saw and spoke
to God. She asked him, "how much time
do I have to live." He said, "you have 35
So that whole year she had a ton of cosmetic surgery, she had a face lift,
a tummy tuck, her nose reshaped, liposuction, she completely did herself
She figured as long as she was going to live another 35 years she was
going to look young again. After all this was done, that same year she
by a car and was killed instantly. When she entered St. Peter's gate
she walked over to God and said, "What happened? I thought you said
I had another 35 years."
God replied, "I
DIDN'T RECOGNIZE YOU!"
No Excuse Sunday
To make it possible for everyone to attend church,
how about having a special "No Excuse Sunday?"
Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say "Sunday is my
only day to sleep in.
Eye drops will be available for those with tired eyes from watching TV
late Saturday night.
We will have steel helmets for those who say, "The roof would cave
in If I ever came to church." Blankets will be furnished
for those who think the church is too cold, and fans for those who say
it is too hot.
Scorecards will be available for those who wish to list the hypocrites
Relatives and friends will be in attendance for those who can't go to
church and cook dinner, too.
We will distribute "Stamp Out Stewardship" buttons for those
that feel the church is always asking for money.
One section will be devoted to trees and grass for those who like to
seek God in nature.
Doctors and nurses will be in attendance for those who plan to be sick
The sanctuary will be decorated with both Christmas poinsettias and Easter
lilies for those who never have seen the church without them.
We will provide hearing aids for those who can't hear the preacher and
cotton for those who can!!
A Grave Problem
When Beethoven passed
away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days
later, the town drunk was walking through
the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from
the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the
drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to
it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some
faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.
Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the
grave, listened for
and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played
backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's
the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So
the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth...
the Fifth..." Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned
on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered
in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about.
It's just Beethoven decomposing."
There was a
religious lady that had to do a lot of traveling
for her business, so she did a lot of
flying. Flying made her very, very nervous, so she
always took her Bible along with her to read as it
helped relax her on the long fights. One time, she
was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out
her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and smirk and went
back to what he was doing. After awhile, he turned
to her and asked, "You don't really believe all
that stuff in there do you?"
The lady replied, "Of course I do. It is the
Bible." He said, "Well, what about that
guy that was swallowed by that whale?" She replied, "Oh,
Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible." He
asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived
all that time inside the whale?" The lady said, "Well,
I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven,
I will ask him."
" What if he isn't in heaven?" the man
asked sarcastically. "Then you can ask him," replied
The Story is
told of a lady who was rather old fashioned, always
quite delicate and elegant, especially in her
language. She and her husband were planning a weeks
vacation to Florida, so she wrote to a particular campground
asking for a reservation. She wanted to make sure the
campground was fully equipped, but didn't quite know
how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't
bring herself to write the word "toilet" in
her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came
up with the old fashioned term BATHROOM COMMODE, but
when she wrote that down, she thought she was being
too forward. So she started all over again, rewrote
the entire letter and referred to the bathroom commode
merely as the "BC". "Does the campground
have its own BC?" is what she actually wrote.
Well, the campground
owner wasn't old-fashioned at all and when he got
the letter he just couldn't
figure out what the woman was talking about. That "BC" business
really stumped him. After worrying about it for awhile
he showed the letter to several campers, but they
couldn't figure out what the lady meant either. So
the campground owner finally coming to the conclusion
that the lady must be asking about the local Baptist
Church, sat down and wrote the lady the following
Dear Madam, I regret very much the delay in answering
your letter, but I now take great pleasure in informing
you that a BC is located nine miles north of the
camp ground and is capable of seating 250 people
at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away,
if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no
doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number
of people take their lunches along and make a day
of it. They usually arrive early and stay late. It
is such a beautiful facility and the acoustics are
marvelous; even the normal delivery sounds can be
heard. The last time my wife and I went was six years
ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the
whole time we were there. It may interest you to
know that right now there is a supper planned to
raise money to buy more seats. They are going to
hold it in the basement of the BC. I would like to
say it pains me very much not being able to go more
regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on
my part. As we grow older it seems to be more of
an effort, particularly in cold weather. If you decide
to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go
with you the first time you go, sit with you, and
introduce you to all the other folks. (Remember,
this is a friendly community.)